Molten Boron

What does one do?

I mean… I’m theoretically a perl developer, but I spend maybe an hour a day doing that. *Maybe* two. I play WoW a lot; but I haven’t played it for more than an hour in the last three days.

I didn’t go to work yesterday. I just went back to bed.

None of this (picture “this” accompanied by a lot of vague hand-waving) is where it was supposed to be, by now.

Also, I’m a little drunk.

I actually started to send this to someone instead of posting it, but half-recovered in time to realize that what’s in my head is in my head and not outside of it.

Drinking and watching House and funny cat videos.

Spent much of the evening knocking heads off zombies.

Finished my latest car book, Hunter’s Run. It was interesting. Not what I expected.

Work has been frustrating. I’m fine in the morning, I’m okay through breakfast — but getting to work just shuts everything off.

When I finally get to leave, … I don’t feel like I have anywhere to go.

There’s stuff going on in my head, and I’m afraid to find out what it is.

Bought some new pants.

I think I’m going to Cookeville tomorrow.

When I close my eyes, the motion make me seasick. Sort of a blurry, drifting, wobbling feeling.

Memories swish around and fold into other things.

Loaded down with cliches. Needing to “find myself.” Need reasons. Destinations. Goals. Motives.

Bored and tired. Can only motivate for a few hours at a time, and then it’s all meaningless again.

I question almost everything except what needs it, which I don’t recognize.

It feels like everything’s over, finished. Just hanging around, now.

What’s next? Who will I be tomorrow?

Who was I yesterday?

I go in circles. No one can answer these questions for me. I can’t answer them. The end. There’s nowhere to go from there, so I start over.

I don’t entirely understand. I had to steal them from her before I went to, um, dinnerbreakfast. She’d hunkered down in three or four pair by the bedroom door and gone into ambush mode. You know how that is; pupils dilated, ears forward, tail whipping. Death on four legs for anything smaller than her. Then, POW! Part of her nest was gone.

After dinner, I’m back in sweatpants and Shada’s back in my jeans, guarding the door.

I promised myself I’d write today. I even tweeted twattered twitted twent about it, so I’m publicly obliged.

Trying to stay on-task, but distractions abound. Already watched an episode of “Parks and Recreation” and half of “The Office” and the first episode of “Invader Zim” and played around with the Mac a bit, and I’m not even a dozen dozen words in.

Had my regular checkup with my doctor a few weeks ago; weight 263 pounds, blood pressure 132/88. All my organs seem to be functioning properly. Creatinine, potassium, glucose, all that happy stuff.

Doctor suspects the weakness I’ve recently noticed in my right arm might be an early carpal tunnel problem. Told me to get a wrist-rest for my mouse-pad. Haven’t yet, but will try to remember to.

I’m not going to my therapist next week.

Last week was disheartening. Recognized that I’ve been doing everything I can to not cooperate with her. On one level I do, but that part isn’t as dominant as the one that just goes to say that I’m going. Not as strong as the part that says, you know, screw it, I’m going to sleep through Wednesday for no reason. Therapist thinks we’re just wasting time.

(One-hour intermission for phone call with Sky. She’s going through some interesting times.)

Haven’t been to any bars in a while, but want to — and know there’s no reason to. I want to drink and socialize, but not by myself. Me and a bunch of strangers? No.

Been thinking about my Waffle House habit. I can eat a meal at home. I can read a book at home. I’d rather eat and read a book at Waffle House, or Sal’s, or Hacienda. Somewhere public. Why? I think I like being around people. Not necessarily interacting with them, but being near. I need to be reminded that there are other people.

Using Waffle House as a social outlet can’t be healthy. I mean, even aside from dietary effects. These people are paid to be there and say hello to everyone that walks in. It’s their job.

I’ve got friends. Why don’t I hang out with them more? Is it because the more familiar I am with someone, the more free I feel to behave like an ass?

Headache. Laid in bed for an hour and a half full of self-recrimination and loathing.

Going over the last several years in my head, reinforcing anger at things I’ve done.

This is why I need to keep my sleeping at night. There’s more to distract me if I’m awake in the daytime.

Took Wednesday off work to sleep.

This place is a mess.

Answers aren’t useful.

Very tired, but jittery legs inspire racing thoughts.

Coming up on five years.

There I go again, looking at anniversaries as if the past matters.

Cataloging things I’m aware of and can admit, but on some level don’t yet feel.

Sky didn’t do this to me. It wasn’t about me. I just happened to be part of it.

I’m not going to wake up and discover that the last five years didn’t happen. But I do need to wake up. Stop stumbling about.

Things were; things change; things aren’t. New things are.

Been questioning science fiction lately. Last few months, I guess. Seeing it as “escapism.”

I need to exercise. Up to 271 pounds. Noticed aches in arms performing minor tasks; lifting a two-liter of soda shouldn’t hurt.

Shada’s a good cat.

Going to try to sleep again.

Self-involved half-drunk bullshit; you know the drill. Scroll wheel or the little [x] button or whatever. Have to get this out of me.

Best crash I’ve had this year.

Well, I shouldn’t say best.

[interlude: distracted by television]

Maybe I should keep doing that. Eventually I’ll be tired enough to fall asleep.

Except ran out of interest, so there’s this, and … nothing, until I sleep, and then work. Then repeat.

Pissed off.

Missing Sky. Missing the things I believed.

when I look around and wonder why everyone around me’s an asshole, well, that thing they say about relationships. common factor. hm.

friendship.

been a shitty friend to many people.

recurring theme; shitty friend, bad husband, obnoxious son, jackass brother, lousy employee.

part of me really going to town on this.

i take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. hm. rocky horror.

no less true, though.

tired of this. can only imagine how boring it must be on the other side of it.

dunno. go though a spate of thinking that things’re working … they’re not. it’s all still here. same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that.

yelling at the wind. it’ll be gone tomorrow. or buried. daily bullshit act. stumble from place to place, mood to mood. new costume. bullshit.

always thought someday i wouldn’t lean.

I’ve had trouble falling asleep for the last several days; my legs are unsettled, and it’s starting to disturb me.

I don’t think my diet has particularly changed. Nothing unusual hurts. Lying in bed, however, I want to clench everything from hip to toe. I want to jog. My legs, like the rest of me, are tired; but they buzz. It’s almost like being hypersensitive to touch.

I think I might be experiencing a retraction of side-effects from quitting Strattera a few weeks ago.

Otherwise, I feel great!

Except for the recent tardiness at work.

Perhaps I should chart these things. Throw the obsessive something to gnaw on.

I’ve been off this particular medication for a couple weeks, now, and I feel good about it.

Slightly reluctant and nervous, but good. I don’t like being on medication.

It’s hard to tell what might be symptoms and what aren’t. I came in to work seriously late twice in the last week — but was that a symptom of chemical issues, or just that I really, really, really didn’t want to go? (The level of awfulness at work has been fluctuating wildly.)

I took yesterday off to sleep. I think this was making up missing my usual 30 hours of sleep last weekend due to the LAN party.

Felt fine today. In fact, Doug mentioned that I’d been a lot more cheerful last week than usual.

Good.

Does it sound like I’m rationalizing and making excuses? I hope not. I don’t think I am.

I don’t think I’m going anywhere, but I don’t think I’m falling, either.

Some time in the next month or so, Meg’s going to come up and help me sort through these boxes. That should be fun, and I say that with very little irony.

LAN party this weekend at Ross’s; I didn’t get there until Saturday, but enjoyed the hell out of it.

Still dreaming more than I used to. Or at least, I’m remembering more of them.

On Friday and Monday I didn’t go to work until lunch. Motivation is difficult lately, but I don’t think I can blame that on the meds. My work today consisted of clicking a button, fixing one line of code, and clicking another button.

Switched guilds in WoW. Hoping for minimal dramatic fallout.

Picked up Osmos a couple months ago when it was on sale; still haven’t beat it.

Ate poorly this weekend. (Coincidentally discovered that Waffle House chili isn’t awful.) Continued to eat poorly today. Adding pineapple and black olives to a pepperoni and ham pizza doesn’t make it healthy. Need to start working out. Maybe in the morning.