Thursday went well; accomplished some things at work. Was pretty wired when I left for the day, but that in itself was frustrating. I was all jazzed up with nothing to do. I wanted to go somewhere and do things. I wanted to be around D. I miss last fall. With BSG moved to Sunday [...]
Is this almost-constant need for reassurance a new thing, or am I just recently aware of it? Is it getting worse? Is it related to my preferring to be a follower than a leader, to not taking risks, to not doing anything that isn’t already accepted and “okay?” I want to be safe and only [...]
Once again, I have put off creating a new entry until I’m too tired to do it justice. My cat has developed a mild dander problem. I think I need to give her a bath, but I’ve never done that. Work has been infuriating. I’m not sure how long it can last. After six months, [...]
Against probably good advice, I’m still communicating with D. It’s going to hurt like hell when that stops. Why do I feel like such a mess? (Because I am. The only stable thing about me is that my instability repeats.) Why can’t I let go? (Because I don’t want to. She’s perfect. She’s magical.) Not [...]
Talked to D. for a few hours tonight. She’s uncomfortable around me. Again. I took her out of my phone so I’d stop text-messaging her. Removing her from my email address book won’t do any good; I’ve got a lot of mail that was cc’d to her, and in any case, it’s an easy address [...]
Saw new shrink again today. Disturbing, but not as disturbing as last week. Still a good thing, I think. Work is spiraling. Not sure what’s going to happen. Signing papers tomorrow. I’m going to bed.
It’s almost offensive how transparently predictable my moods have become. She said “hi” to me Sunday. Turned everything around. Now I’m free to freak out about work again. I get defensive in meetings. I’m aware of it, I try not to, but it happens anyway. Can’t divide a large task into appropriately-sized chunks. I look [...]
Spent the afternoon doing laundry and moping. Played some WoW. Tried to exercise, but wound up taking a nap instead. Went and had dinner with JB and the Rairy. Had a good time. Drank enough to be pleasant, but not wasted. Watched some Invader Zim and Cowboy Bebop and Fight Club. Been a while since [...]
Had a rough time at work yesterday. Another of those incidents where I spend several hours on something, only to undo it all and go home. Spent half an hour wandering around the liquor store looking for something that would make me feel better before realizing that none of it would. Bought something anyway, because [...]
Made it halfway to Cookeville before finding out that S. hadn’t gotten to drop off paperwork like she’d planned; no reason to go to Cookeville to sign things, after all. Work was fubar. Increasing levels of agitation among the crew. Sent some mail to D. that I probably shouldn’t have. Got this whole running-on-at-the-keyboard thing [...]