Talked to Donna yesterday. Just chatted about random stuff. It was fine. And then I crashed. I felt lousy the rest of the day at work, then went home and straight to bed. I was better when I woke up–a soft-reset usually helps–but still not great. The prior week’s worth of relative steadiness was blown. [...]
I think I’m going to Dragon*Con this year. It gives me something to look forward to, which changes just about everything while I’m doing so. Self-loathing might be held at bay for a bit, given adequate distraction. Trying not to pin all hopes for future sanity on the convention like I may or may not [...]
Anger. Loathing. Contempt. Loss. Absence. Immobility. Spite. Decay. Disgust.
For the last week, I’ve thought there was a party tonight. It’s two weeks from now. Whoops. I blew my four-day caffeine-free spree today; lots of tea, lots of Coke. Canada Dry and Sailor Jerry, now. I’m blogging on the PC because the Mac is playing The Fourth Kind, borrowed from cute-and-way-too-young waitress at Sal’s. [...]
While eating dinner at Sal’s, with a bare minimum of Googling (forgot how to assign to arrays during initialization, and minor inspiration for non-blocking getchar() — oh, yeah, use curses!) I wrote my first C program in years. Life! I think I’ve coded Life in every programming language I’ve ever learned. Feels good, but I [...]
HUZZAH! I feel like I should write something but my head hurts and I’m going to bed. I’m like a blog-tease.
Writing this at Sal’s. Been meaning to haul my laptop in here since they got wireless. I’m kind of self-conscious about it, though. I’m self-conscious about a lot of things. Had another half-day at work today. Couldn’t bring myself to start; slept until eleven or so. (I thought that perhaps writing in a different environment [...]
When I close my eyes, the motion make me seasick. Sort of a blurry, drifting, wobbling feeling. Memories swish around and fold into other things. Loaded down with cliches. Needing to “find myself.” Need reasons. Destinations. Goals. Motives. Bored and tired. Can only motivate for a few hours at a time, and then it’s all [...]
I don’t entirely understand. I had to steal them from her before I went to, um, dinnerbreakfast. She’d hunkered down in three or four pair by the bedroom door and gone into ambush mode. You know how that is; pupils dilated, ears forward, tail whipping. Death on four legs for anything smaller than her. Then, [...]
Headache. Laid in bed for an hour and a half full of self-recrimination and loathing. Going over the last several years in my head, reinforcing anger at things I’ve done. This is why I need to keep my sleeping at night. There’s more to distract me if I’m awake in the daytime. Took Wednesday off [...]