Legs 

Friday, February 5th, 2010, 12:47am
Filed under: Biological, Journal, Psychological
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I’ve had trouble falling asleep for the last several days; my legs are unsettled, and it’s starting to disturb me.

I don’t think my diet has particularly changed. Nothing unusual hurts. Lying in bed, however, I want to clench everything from hip to toe. I want to jog. My legs, like the rest of me, are tired; but they buzz. It’s almost like being hypersensitive to touch.

I think I might be experiencing a retraction of side-effects from quitting Strattera a few weeks ago.

Otherwise, I feel great!

Except for the recent tardiness at work.

Perhaps I should chart these things. Throw the obsessive something to gnaw on.

Too Early To Tell 

Thursday, January 28th, 2010, 8:58pm
Filed under: Biological, Journal, Psychological
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I’ve been off this particular medication for a couple weeks, now, and I feel good about it.

Slightly reluctant and nervous, but good. I don’t like being on medication.

It’s hard to tell what might be symptoms and what aren’t. I came in to work seriously late twice in the last week — but was that a symptom of chemical issues, or just that I really, really, really didn’t want to go? (The level of awfulness at work has been fluctuating wildly.)

I took yesterday off to sleep. I think this was making up missing my usual 30 hours of sleep last weekend due to the LAN party.

Felt fine today. In fact, Doug mentioned that I’d been a lot more cheerful last week than usual.

Good.

Does it sound like I’m rationalizing and making excuses? I hope not. I don’t think I am.

I don’t think I’m going anywhere, but I don’t think I’m falling, either.

Some time in the next month or so, Meg’s going to come up and help me sort through these boxes. That should be fun, and I say that with very little irony.

Random Stuffs (Aimlessly) 

Monday, January 25th, 2010, 9:52pm
Filed under: Journal
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LAN party this weekend at Ross’s; I didn’t get there until Saturday, but enjoyed the hell out of it.

Still dreaming more than I used to. Or at least, I’m remembering more of them.

On Friday and Monday I didn’t go to work until lunch. Motivation is difficult lately, but I don’t think I can blame that on the meds. My work today consisted of clicking a button, fixing one line of code, and clicking another button.

Switched guilds in WoW. Hoping for minimal dramatic fallout.

Picked up Osmos a couple months ago when it was on sale; still haven’t beat it.

Ate poorly this weekend. (Coincidentally discovered that Waffle House chili isn’t awful.) Continued to eat poorly today. Adding pineapple and black olives to a pepperoni and ham pizza doesn’t make it healthy. Need to start working out. Maybe in the morning.

Dreams, Again 

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010, 8:44am
Filed under: Journal
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Since that last post, I’ve had bizarre dreams every night (whether I drink or not).

This might be prescription-related, but it’s probably too early to tell.

I wish I had more time this morning to detail them; let’s just say Lovecraft’s “The Color Out of Space” and Vinge’s “A Fire Upon The Deep” have both featured heavily.

Dreams and Not 

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010, 10:21am
Filed under: Journal, Psychological
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First dream I remember from last night involved Donna, but in kind of a secondary role. My dad was in it also, but he was missing his left hand. I don’t know what that was about.

Followed by a transition-less awakening, and day-dreaming (at night, I know, yes) about talking to Donna and just saying hello; being reasonable about things. Something I’ve already decided I’m incapable of.

Fell back to sleep and had another dream, this one with an old coworker I haven’t seen in years, but he was missing his left arm from above the elbow. (In the dream.)

Although these weren’t particularly memorable, I tend to have more memorable dreams after I’ve been drinking.

RANDOM POST INCOMING 

Monday, January 11th, 2010, 11:08pm
Filed under: Journal
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Tonight the role of “chatty drunk” will be played by Jim.

Little too much rum in my rum-and-root-beer, and POW: guilt over not actually posting this weekend when I said I would.

So this weekend I didn’t actually do anything. I slept a lot. More than usual. I finished reading Vinge’s A Fire Upon the Deep, which was really neat (although I didn’t like the ending a whole lot). Some of the concepts in it hit my brain in the narrow spot between “easily understood” and “something that’s too much work.”

Went grocery shopping late Sunday. Didn’t get cat food, ’cause the store was out. The situation isn’t dire; she’s got food ’til tomorrow night.

Did laundry and played WoW tonight.

It almost feels like the more I try to motivate myself, the more I (~) fight back. I could be learning Java so I can write doo-dads for my ‘droid. I could be Doing Something about the pile of boxes from five years ago. I could be writing back-up scripts for my machines. I could be looking for a new job. (The old one’s still there, but it sucks.) I could be working out. I could… take a nap.

Actually, bed sounds pretty good. G’night.

I Gotta Write This Weekend 

Saturday, January 9th, 2010, 1:59am
Filed under: Journal
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Or at least do something.

Not Like Last Year 

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009, 2:05am
Filed under: Journal, Psychological
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In the spirit that it’s better to write something, even if it’s not perfect, than to write nothing at all, I’ll try to fill in the last few months.

Swine Flu: Had it for two weeks from late September to early October. Fever coming and going, some auditory hallucinations, a whole lot of things moving around in my head. My first day back at work felt like someone had pushed the ‘reset’ button on my mind; it felt like I was looking at everything in a completely new way. Solutions that weren’t previously acceptable suddenly were. That feeling was completely gone two days later. I wanted to write more about this, but don’t know what to say. It made me think of the anthill analogy in GEB–specifically, after the anthill is washed away.

Tire: Went out to Dad’s for my birthday after the flu passed. Saw a loose tire on the interstate that, like too many things, led me to question my perceptions. It was rolling across the median from the oncoming lanes, crossed my lane right in front of me, and bounced off the front of the car at my five o’clock (making a Don Martin-like “THOONK!” sound as it did so) and back into the median.

While telling someone about this, he asked if it was an entire wheel or just the rubber tire, and I said it was the whole wheel; I clearly remembered seeing the center of it. But how did I see that? The several seconds I had to watch it approach, it was edge-on to me. Then I thought about the bounce; I remember seeing it bounce off the front of the car beside/behind me, bouncing over my car, and off into the grass — how could I see that?

Fat: I’ve gained about fifteen pounds since September.

Employed: Work continues to suck, and I continue to stubbornly not believe in alternatives.

Christmas: I dreaded it altogether too much. It went fine.

Time: This year feels different, but I can’t be sure it has been. I’ve continued to make the same mistakes, and still live in this apartment full of boxes. Every time I think I’ve found something new to think or believe, it’s turned out to be a lesson I should have learned years before.

There’s still a lot of bitterness and self-recrimination over past relationships, real and imagined.

Unload, August 

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009, 9:22pm
Filed under: Journal
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I don’t have a good explanation for why I haven’t written in so long. I think I need to write shorter, more frequent posts to avoid falling into the trap of unmeetable expectations. (What zefrank calls brain crack.)

(Several distracted minutes watching zefrank clips later…)

This isn’t going to be as full (detailed? padded? descriptive?) as I’d like.

I started an entry in August to write about August 17th. August 17th marked twenty years since my family moved from Florida to Tennessee. For a long time, I considered that one of the pivotal events of my life.

For my 14th birthday the previous year, 1988, I’d received my first modem: a 1200-baud PLUS card for our Tandy 1000EX. That was the year I got into BBSes; there were several in my part of central Florida at the time. I met people, made friends. I joined a community more like me than any I’d previously known. I practically fit in.

That fall I picked up the nickname “Hippie Jim” due to my unfashionably long hair and fascination with “hippie culture.” I wore a lot of tie-dyes, a rolled-up bandanna around my head, and a serape my father had picked up in Mexico a decade earlier.

If I’d thought about it, I wouldn’t have expected 9th grade to be as tolerant as it actually was.

I took a year of high school Latin. My electives were photography and television productions. It was high-end humor when Bush defeated Dukakis that fall (hurr hurr hurr). I learned to bowl with my friends from The Adventurer’s Inn, the most-trafficked BBS in the area.

Met a girl towards the end of the school year; she was a senior, I think. Callie was four years older than me, and she was a goddess. Thin, with long, straight blond hair, and a smile that made me feel like I was going to get caught. She was smart and funny, and got me to read Interview With the Vampire. She had excellent canines.

She was the first girl I ever went out on a date with. June 23rd, 1989 — I can be specific, because that’s when Batman came out. Afterward, we loitered around a shopping center parking lot until 2am, talking.

She was my first kiss.

One night we found an old dirt road in the middle of nowhere and spent hours sitting on her car hood and watching fireflies.

Our last date was August 16th. We spent a lot of it at Lake Colby in Cassadaga, watching the lunar eclipse. It was the 20th anniversary of Woodstock. On her way to drop me off at home late that night, her car’s odometer passed 77,777.7.

It’s funny, because I was really into astronomy when I was younger. I remember being seven, and mom not letting me stay up past my bedtime to see the lunar eclipse in 1982. “Your book says there’s another one in seven years,” she told me, and I unsuccessfully argued that, while seven years may not be much to her, it was my whole life over again.

(This is how I’ve known it to have been for a long time — only now, double-checking my facts, do I note the 1982 eclipse was on December 30th, after I’d been eight for three months. Maybe I told mom that was almost my whole life over again.)

So, August 17th, 1989, we moved to Tennessee. The house wasn’t finished yet, so we spent four months living in the tack room of a barn in the middle of 200 acres. Spring-fed (unheated) shower, one television channel (PBS), two “rooms,” and an outhouse. No computer. No friends. No neighbors.

That was 20 years ago. Callie’s 39, now, married, and has a kid. I looked her up in early 2006 in that year when Sue and I were, well, holding our breath.

I had planned to write about that date being such an important one for me, and how this year it didn’t seem such a big deal. Writing it now, though, it feels.

I’ll do the rest of my catch-up later, I think, in smaller bits. That was August.

Sick 

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009, 4:18am
Filed under: Biological, Journal, Psychological
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Flu, for just over a week now. Every couple hours, fever comes, fever goes. I can hear my eyes move. I know exactly how weird that sounds.

I can’t sleep more than about two hours at a time. I can’t get back to sleep, because everything hurts. I feel like I’ve been beaten.

Chad and Andrea brought over some Robitussin and acetaminophen. Those help quite a bit, but I think one of them makes me nauseous.

I miss Sue, as strongly as ever. The obsessive bits have been getting out of control. This is the part I’m scared of.

It’s as if there’s no … reason. No goal. No purpose. All I can do for the next several days is wake up and go back to sleep and hurt. What’s at the end of it? I can go back to work.

Been wanting to write about this, but even now it’s mostly incoherent. I wanted to post something, but I didn’t want this to be a aww-pity-me-waaaah post. Is there any other way to express how I feel?